I AM TOLERANT!

No time to bloggie this weekend, I'm going to go hang out with these people for the weekend! (via Bravo Romeo Delta). Which reminds me, for any trolls who stumble onto this page: I do not jate Jawas....some of my best friends are Jawas. Here are a few testimonials:

Aasif Jamil
"Rusty always says things that make me feel special, like: "You're so cool, you're different, you're not like other Jawas!"

Jarood Ayshah
"Rusty is one of the nicest kufr I know. He takes me to bars and doesn't make me feel guilty like my Jawa friends."

Sayyidah Zaynab
"Rusty always foots the bill when we go out. So I don't really mind the fact that he doesn't think Jews are pigs and monkeys."

Abu al-Hakam
"I like the fact that Rusty knows that Muhammed Ali converted to Islam and what a great American he was. Whenever there is an awkward silence after the latest news of a martyr operation, he brings that up."

Abbu Abbas
"When I first came to America Rusty was so helpful. He took me to meet his family and friends. He said he wanted to prove to them that he was "tolerant" and "liberal-minded". He even volunteered to pick me up from my flying lessons that week when my Volvo was in the shop. I hope he doesn't work in the Sear's Tower, though. That would be....regrettable."

Look Mom, its sand: Update, or Mel Brooks goes on vacation

A few days ago, mypetjawa shocked the world with this breaking news. Scroll to bottom of post to see update.

9/25 From the Imperial Star Tours desk comes the great news that the heart of the Tattooine system will begin letting kufr tourists in:

Saudi Arabia is set to start issuing tourist visas, saying it is putting the final touches to the tourism visa law proposed by the Supreme Commission for Tourism...

The commission is planning to set up a national council for tourism marketing to promote Saudi Arabia in world markets. “There are more than 10,000 tourist attractions in the Kingdom,”

Oooh, just what Rusty needs, a nice relaxing visit to, er, Riyadh? On a less sarcastic note, Mrs. Shackleford would love to spend all day in a mall completely segregated by sex!

Update 9/27: Shocker-- Jews not Welcome!

Scene: Small town in Western Saudi Arabia. Pan to central square where a band is playing and civic leaders prepare to meet the first tourist to the Kingdom.

Achmed Johnson: Do you see him yet? Do you see the new tourist?

Gabby-Ali Hayes: Hey everybody I see him!

Achmed Johnsom: Strike up the band!

Gabby-Ali Hayes: Holy Shiite! Hey everybody, the new tourist is a JE--(interupted by loud gong)

Veiled woman #1: What did he say?

Achmed Johnson: I think he said the new tourist is a Jihadi.

Gabby-Ali Hayes: No, dagnabit by Allah, by all(garbled). The new tourist is a JE--(interupted by AK-47 shots in the air)

Achmed Johnson: It is with great pleasure that I present this laural and a hearty handshake to the new JEW!
(Welcome sign scrolls up)

Tourist Bart Goldman: Excuse me while I whip this out.

Veiled woman #1: Oh no, is it circumcised!!?? (passes out as Tourist Bart pulls visa from pocket)

Jawas increasingly radical, Jews to blame

Paid agents of the Imperial Ministry of Propoganda have learned that radicalism among Jawas in close proximity to Imperial settlers is on the rise. Who is to blame? According to Reuters it is the Jews, of course!

By Wafa Amr
GAZA (Reuters)-It is mostly women who curse and spit at Rania Atta when she walks through Gaza City's crowded streets without a headscarf.

She would not dare to step out in jeans as she might have done a couple of years ago.

The steady rise in the death toll and decline of the economy after over three years of fighting with Israel have pushed a growing number of Palestinians to turn toward religion and against those who flout conservative Islamic standards....

Even left-wing militant groups that once took a firmly secular line have become part of the trend. The Marxist Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine now uses verses of the Koran on posters and political leaflets....

Palestinian leaders blame the Israelis for destroying their internal security services in the conflict. The Islamic group Hamas -- at the forefront of a suicide bombing campaign that has killed hundreds of Israelis -- has filled a social and financial vacuum through its widespread network of charity organizations and mosques...

Sarraj said women had become even more devout and radicalized than men as a result of their experience and that could only help to encourage a new generation of children to become more militant than their parents.

A recent study by his department of 12-year-old children found that the ambition of nearly a quarter was to die by the age of 18 in a "martyrdom attack" -- suicide bombing to kill Israelis.

25% of Jawa children want to become Tusken Raiders! 25%!!! And of course it is the Settlers who are to blame, not the Ancient and Mystical Religion of Peas! Don't beleive these Jedi mind tricks, dear reader. It is a well known fact that the Rebel Alliance, including their propoganda organs the AP and Reuters, have a strategic interest in seeing the decline of the Empire. Incidently, our sources also indicate that Wafa Amr is the pen-name for one Hutton Gibson, although this could not be independently confirmed.

da post

As I entered the Imperial Ministry of Propoganda (aka, my small office in a medium sized building at an insignificant university in a smaller then average state), this morning, a colleague of mine and I had the following conversation that made me think about the use of articles in the English language:

Colleague: Hey Rusty, I came into my office this morning and the message light on my phone was signalling that I had a message.

Rusty: Was it the message? [an inside reference to a message from the majors (a big research university) calling him up from the minors (our little teaching university)]

Colleague: No, it was a message.

Rusty: Oh, sorry. Was it da message, though? [from a hot chick]

Colleague: No, it was just a message.

See how powerful these articles can be? The only other language I speak is Russian which has no a or the and since I went to a California public school I wonder if I really speak Imperial Standard all that well. Since there was never a School House Rocks lesson on articles (was there?) I probably misuse them on a regular basis. I mean, am I using these articles correctly? Further, how hip does one have to be before he can use da instead of the? Is my blog a blog, the blog, the (pronounced thee) blog, or da blog? Since I don't have time to read every blog in the universe on a daily basis, I have come up with a list of blogs according to a, the, the(e), and da.

The(e) Blog
When you pronounce the like thee everyone knows you are talking about the one and only, the big Kahuna, the center of the universe, THE(E) Blog, your OWN BLOG. For instance, "I was at the(e) blog today and someone dropped the funniest comment." The(e) Blog:

Rusty Shackleford's mypetjawa (insert own blog here)

The Blog
When speaking of the blog you generally are talking to somebody else about THEIR BLOG. So the blog is reserved for people you have some sort of personal contact with. For instance, in an e-mail to MB2 I say, "I saw what you did at the blog." Since this site has been up only a little over a month, Rusty's list of the blog is limited to those I've had some e-mail or other contact with (in no particular order). Of course, since this is a bit of a "shout-out" to those that have encouraged me, I wonder if they should be listed under da blog? The Blog:

MB2
Bravo Romeo Delta
Cooper
MikO/Vic
Macker
Space Reserved for General Jack D. Ripper
Space Reserved for Zulubaby

A Blog
When speaking of a blog you are talking about one of a billion blogs out there. Most of you know mypetjawa as a blog, and I know most of you as a blog. But since I go to a blog or another almost every day, here is my a blog list. I don't know any of them, not even an e-mail, and I haven't even added some of them to my blogroll, but they definitely qualify as a blog. A Blog:

Aaron
Michelle
Misha
feste
Robert's Jihadwatch & Dhimmiwatch

Da Blog
You only use this term for blogs that are too cool to really put your blog on that level. Like, when your blog grows up you hope it is da blog. But you ask yourself, "Am I funky (prounounced funk-eh) enough? Am I? Am I?" And of course, you know in your heart of hearts that you aren't. *sigh*. These blogs are funky! Da Blog:

Allah is DA House
Commissar is in DA Lubyanka
Iowahawk is in DA Midwest
Charles is in DA Little Green Football

Post Script: That Blog
As I was typing away I realized that there was one other category. It is a category reserved for those who say bad things about your blog. You know, like your talking to your buddy and you say, "Can you believe what that bee-yatch said about Rusty in that blog!" When talking to your VRWC buddies that blog usually refers to Democratic Underground (notice, NOT LINKED) because they are always dissin one blog or another. But Rusty only has one that blog. That Blog:

Kassie Church

Update: This post isn't about driving traffic up. I just wanted to give props where props are due.

Look Mom, its sand!!

From the Imperial Star Tours desk comes the great news that the heart of the Tattooine system will begin letting kufr tourists in:

Saudi Arabia is set to start issuing tourist visas, saying it is putting the final touches to the tourism visa law proposed by the Supreme Commission for Tourism...

The commission is planning to set up a national council for tourism marketing to promote Saudi Arabia in world markets. “There are more than 10,000 tourist attractions in the Kingdom,”

Oooh, just what Rusty needs, a nice relaxing visit to, er, Riyadh? On a less sarcastic note, Mrs. Shackleford would love to spend all day in a mall completely segregated by sex!

Update 9/27: Shocker-- Jews not Welcome!

Scene: Small town in Western Saudi Arabia. Pan to central square where a band is playing and civic leaders prepare to meet the first tourist to the Kingdom.

Achmed Johnson: Do you see him yet? Do you see the new tourist?
Gabby-Ali Hayes: Hey everybody I see him!
Achmed Johnsom: Strike up the band!
Gabby-Ali Hayes: Holy Shiite! Hey everybody, the new tourist is a JE--(interupted by loud gong)
Veiled woman #1: What did he say?
Achmed Johnson: I think he said the new tourist is a Jesuit.
Gabby-Ali Hayes: No, dagnabit by Allah. The new tourist is a JE--(interupted by AK-47 shots in the air)
Achmed Johnson: It is with great pleasure that I present this laural and a hearty handshake to the new JEW!
(Welcome sign scrolls up)

Which is better: lightsabers or blasters?

The Commissar enticed me into thinking about weapons when he called our boys "Imperial Strom Troopers" twice in his "Sick of American Guns" post today. We'll grant it to him that the AK-47 is one fine blaster, the kind of thing Greedo might have used had the anti-Christ Lucas not gone and mucked things up. But that gun is yesterday's news. Yeah, a few well known terrorist might still pose for a publicity pic with an AK, but we all know that Tusken Raiders can't shoot straight. So, to suggest that the AK is the blaster of choice for Jawas, Tusken Raiders, and members of the Rebel Alliance in general might be correct, but it certainly isn't the weapon of choice. For instance, yesterday on an LGF thread, frequent poster Zulubaby turned me on to this pic of a Jawa David out to slay the Zionist Goliath. Now that is a weapon those dudes know how to aim well!

What other kinds of weapons do you choose when you couldn't hit a womp-rat at point blank range? Yesterday, the omniscient Moon-God of the blogosphere turned me on to Fatwah Sam's internet bizarre for terrorists. Pay special attention to the fact that although "Reusable Suicide Bomber Kit" inventories are low, there isn't a point and shoot weapon of any sort to be had. Indeed, a good argument could be made that guns of any sort are sort of passe for the modern Tusken Raider. They are kind of like the Jedi lightsaber. Yeah, you might impress the Leah wannabe you met at the last bi-mon-sci-fi-con with this overtly phallic symbol, but let's face it, when the fit hits the shan and you reach for a weapon, it aint gonna be the one with an effective kill range of arms-length plus three feet. Further, when was the last time an Imperial Stormtrooper patrolling the dusty streets of Mos Iraq was slain with an AK or any other type of blaster? No, the weapon of choice these days is the hormone filled Tusken Raider strapped with dynamite and ready to get it on with 72 hotties in the next life. If the dynamite strapped Jawa is today's weapon of choice, then certainly the weapon of the future is the Jawa that's packing a nuclear bomb. In fact, paid agent of the Ministry of Propoganda, Iowahawk, informs me that Omaha was hit by a nuke late last night, although it only made page 3 of the New York Times. See how the progression of Jawa weapons works. Its not about how accurate you are, the move is from the most accurate (the AK) to the least (when it comes to a 5 megaton bomb, close is good enough).

Al-Quaida to France: I'm gonna get you sucka! France to Al-Quaida: I am not a JEW!

France...oh, France...all that appeasement you do....all the sucking up you do...all that bending over you do...guess what it got you? Nothing! When your the bee-yatch you do EVERYTHING al-Quaida says. EVERYTHING. One false move, like banning the veil, and you get a fatwah laid on you. From the propoganda arm of the Tusken Raiders comes this warning from al-Quaida's #2 man, Ayman al-Zawahri, in response to the recently enacted French veil ban:

This is a new sign of the Crusader hatred which Westerners harbour against Muslims while they boast of freedom, democracy and human rights...

France is the country of freedom which defends freedom to show the body, and to be immoral and depraved. In France you're free to show yourself but not to dress modestly

This is a campaign planned by the Crusader Zionists (Israel supporters) with their agents in Egypt, Turkey and Tunisia and other Islamic countries

In response, Jacques Chirac had the following to say

We in France have been called many things in the past: wussies, frogs, cheese eating surrender monkeys. But never, ever in the history of our great Republic has a worse insult been delivered. I, on behalf of the French people, deny your accusations. I state, categorically, that France is not now, has never been, and never will be a country of Jews! I am not a Jew. Johnny Depp's wife is not a Jew. That guy from Ronin is not a Jew either. France resents this accusation. Further, France will not stand idly by while we are accused of being supporters of Israel. If there is one thing that offends French sensibilites worse than Jews, it is Jews in Israel. Therefore, we declare all members of al-Quaida persona non grata in France until such time as they take it back. Our national pride has been hurt and we point our behinds in your general direction Ayman al-Zawahri.

Update: Rusty Shackleford Banned by Arab News: Kingdom debates the merits of flogging

So today I am able to get to Arab News (see yesterday's post). Another one of my conspiracy theories shot down? I think not! The way I figure it, the public outcry caused by my minions forced the hand of the despotic House of Saud. Since Arab News is designed to propogandize the American public, they could not have the public relations nightmare caused by my expose. With public opinion about Saudi Arabia already at an all time low, they could not risk any more bad press. The editors of Arab News are well aware of American opinion of censorship, and banning Rusty just smacked of the kind of censorship they don't want the world to know goes on in Saudi Arabia. For instance, today's Arab News has a story about the governments new guidelines for female students.

Girls will be expelled for disrespectful and blasphemous conduct and beliefs; magic; failure to pray; possessing, taking or selling drugs; deviant behavior; dating and having unlawful relations with men or leading others to this behavior; causing permanent injury to members of the school staff; possessing and using weapons and other dangerous items; and if their presence becomes a danger to the school.

Violations that make girls liable to point deductions include, in the first category, sleeping in class and using makeup; in the fourth category smoking, making threats and verbal and physical abuse of school staff.

Nice. We can't have those girls putting on make-up or saying blasphemous things! But in order to counter the inevitable "misperception" by Westerners that the Kingdom is a closed society, they offer an editorial to show us that dissent is tolerated. In an op ed piece titled Flogging Versus Understanding (yes, flogging) utmost attention is paid to uphold the appearance of a society that tolerates dissenting opinion

All these are very arbitrary and certainly should not be punishable offenses. How can we expect teenagers, who are rebellious by nature, to conform to such strict rules? How are they supposed to feel when they are not allowed to use perfume when their teachers have the privilege? It gets even stranger in the section for grave crimes. Punishment in this section is usually expulsion. The offenses include some of the vaguest and most poorly-defined I have ever heard.

On the face of it, this editorial is highly critical of the governments position. But if you read the whole thing you will notice that nowhere does it criticise the notion that blasphemy should not be a crime or that dating should not be allowed, but rather that the state's solutions are not the optimal ones. That is, Saudi Arabia ought to think of newer and more creative ways to force school kids into believing that which is proper, not the old-fashioned way of beating and expulsion! In fact, the op ed explicitly endorses the list as a set of "problems" that need to be addressed.

Until Saudi Arabia and other Islamic countries recognize that our real objection is not in the way they punish (not to say I don't object to amputation) crimes, but the crimes themselves. If the punishment for blasphemy was a $1 dollar fine, I would still object. Until blasphemy and other similar laws are repealed by Islamic states, mypetjawa will continue to lampoon, object, kick, scream, vilify, and otherwise be generally mean-spirited to the House of Saud. Its a dirty job, but someone's got to do it!

Rusty Shackleford Banned by Arab News

Ok, Rusty Shackleford believes in a number of wild conspiracy theories (JFK killed by aliens, faked moon-landing, Hillary Clinton is a woman, etc.) but here is one I personally came up with. Spies at Arab News are systematically denying anti-Jawa bloggers access to their website! Ok, I said it. Now how do I prove it? Since Jan. 18th I have been unable to access Arab News. On the 19th MikeO at anti-com.com made the comment that Arab News seemed to be down

And, hopefully, for good!

But the site didn't seem to be down, rather, both of us were getting an "You are not authorized to view this page", or 403 error. When a site is down, usually you get a 404, "Site not found" error. I began to suspect something was fishy. I use Arab News as a primary source for this blog, none of which is ever sympathetic to the kingdom.

Today, the Lord of the Universe himself, Allah, linked to this story from Arab News at this post. Since I still couldn't get to Arab News, I dropped this into his comments box:

Is it just me or is this link dead? I haven't been able to get to Arab News for almost a week now. Nada. Zilcho.

To which "Kufr #1" responded that she, too, couldn't get to Arab News. However, "Paolo" and others didn't have the problem. The Big Man Himself also noted that:

Rusty and co.--I'm not sure what the deal is with the link but I don't think it's a problem with my page. I can click through just fine.

Ok, so what does give? My theory is that the free-speech loving editors over at Arab News got wind of what Rusty was up to and decided to deny him access to their page. Allah, on the other hand, (and his minions) use a masked IP, so that they cannot identify him when he clicks on their page. You see, what you may not know is that Arab News was specifically set up to counter anti-Saudi Arabia images in the American press. It is pure propoganda produced for the English speaking world. But this site, and others, use information posted at Arab News for the exact opposite purpose. For instance, in our "Annual Mos Eisley Pilgram Report" we used Arab News as a primary source on the annual Haj, which was anything but "tolerant" as reported by the House of Saud.

This is a bit far out for even Rusty Shackleford, but it seems that I may be on to something out there. I would be interested to hear if anyone else gets an error message at Arab News and if you have a blog that is critical of Saudi Arabia or Islam in general.

Tusken Raiders hosted by Jawa Republic

As if last Friday's sham election wasn't the worst news out of the Jawa Republic of the Ancient and Mystical Religion of Peas, this news out of Mos Tehran, via the Imperial Spy Network's vast army of bounty hunters:

Al Qaeda & Hezbollah Will Attend Terrorist Conference In Iran

The Islamic regime of Iran will host a conference of international terrorists next week that will see attendees coming from across the globe, including representatives of the groups linked to Al Qaeda and Hezbollah and terrorism expert Amir Taheri reported in The New York Post.

Wrote Taheri: "Most of the groups attending the event, labeled 'Ten Days of Dawn,' are branded by the United States and some European Union members as terrorist outfits. These include 17 branches of the Hezbollah

The Islamic Republic's hospitality cuts across even religious divides. Militant Sunni organizations, including two linked to Al Qaeda - Ansar al-Islam (Companions of Islam) and Hizb Islami (The Islamic Party) - will enjoy Iranian hospitality."

So, here is a band of Jawas who are actively pursuing nuclear (oops, I meant nukular) weapon technology, that not only tolerates Tusken Raiders but brings them to Mos Tehran for a conference, a band that actively pursues the goal of imposing the barbarity of Sharia law on all Jawas (and potential dhimmis), a band that routinely labels the Empire "the great Satan," a band that is actively supporting the killing of stormtroopers in Mos Iraq......and what the hell is John Kerry's policy stance?

Engaging Iran on Terrorism: Where the Bush Administration refuses to even attempt a non-confrontational foreign policy toward Iran, a Kerry Administration would recognize that limited cooperation with Iran in select areas of mutual interest is not only possible but in the best interest of both nations. A Kerry administration would work with Iran to deport senior al Qaeda leadership currently in that country by offering to trade them for MEK terrorists, pressuring them diplomatically and through the UN if that effort failed, and would work with Iran to stop the flow of Afghan narcotics across its borders.

Wait, so let me get this straight, Kerry beleives we have a mutual interest with Iran against al Qaeda? Is he nucking futs?? These people have a common interest with al Quaeda--to screw the empire--and he thinks they are going to cooperate with us on this? They also have a common interest with the UN--bring down Imperial hegemony--and the UN is going to pressure Iran how?

Note to Imperial subjects: Do not vote for the dhimmi Kerry!

Kerry Reiterates Stand: I am the Jawa Candidate!

I know I already said I wouldn't be writing today, but this was too outrageous to pass up. Mostly I just wanted a buddy of mine to see who he is helping elect if he doesn't vote for Palpatine this November. Oh, wait, he lives in D.C., so I guess it doesn't matter. Anyway, I'll pass it along to you. I hope this goes around the blogosphere faster than a speeding bullet. We have got to get the word out about John Kerry. The media portrays him as a centrist. He is not. He is a warmed over hippie of the worst sorts. And as all of you know, hippies suck! From WND (via Dhimmiwatch):

One of heiress Teresa Heinz Kerry's favorite charities is the Tides Foundation, a 28-year-old grant-making institution that funds to the tune of hundreds of millions radical groups that, among other things, protest the U.S. invasion of Iraq, demand open U.S. borders, provide the legal defense of suspected terrorists and promote the spread of Islamist ideology in the U.S.

Heinz Kerry, worth an estimated three-quarters of a billion dollars, working through the Howard Heinz Endowment, oversaw the donation of more than $4 million to the Tides Foundation between 1995 and 2001, reports G2 Bulletin, a premium, online intelligence newsletter published by WorldNetDaily.....

While John Kerry criticizes the way President Bush has conducted the war in Iraq, he actually cast a Senate vote to support it. Yet, Tides' Iraq Peace Fund and Peace Studies Fund supports the War Resisters League and Ramsey Clark's International Action Center. Clark actually offered to defend Saddam Hussein. His center also sponsored International ANSWER and United for Peace and Justice, both of which were run by long-time communist revolutionaries....

The Democratic Justice Fund, created through the efforts of Tides and George Soros, seeks to ease U.S. restrictions on Muslim immigration from countries designated by the State Department as “terrorist nations.” Tides also supports the Council for American Islamic Relations [CAIR], a group that bills itself as a “Muslim civil rights group,” but one whose leaders have links to the terrorist group Hamas.

CAIR Executive Director Nihad Awad openly stated in 1994, “I am a supporter of the Hamas movement.” Community Affairs Director Bassem K. Khafagi has been arrested for visa and bank fraud. Randall Royer, a communications specialist and civil rights coordinator at CAIR, was arrested along with a group of Islamic radicals in Virginia for allegedly planning jihadist activities. CAIR has defended terrorist fronts posing as “charities” – some of which have beem shut down by the Bush administration....

The Earth Island Institute is a recipient of Heinz cash. Three days after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on America by Islamists, the group published a statement on its website rationalizing the terrorist actions. Under the headline, "U.S. Responds to Terrorist Attacks with Self-Righteous Arrogance," the statement explained that the destruction of the World Trade Center, the crash at the Pentagon, the four airline hijackings and the 3,000 Americans killed "was not an 'attack on all American people,'" but "an act of anger, desperation and indignation."

In addition to its support of CAIR, Tides supports the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee and the Arab American Action Network.

A group called "Barrio Warriors" is also a recipient of Tides grants. This race-conscious Hispanic organization calls for the "liberation of Aztlan," the American southwest, including California, New Mexico, Arizona and Texas.

Ok, so a few radical groups were funded, big deal. I'm sure Mrs. Kerry knew nothing, right?

Heinz Kerry not only serves as chairman of the Howard Heinz Endowment, she also sits on the board of the Vira I. Heinz Endowment.

Update: What do any of these groups have in common? How is it that Mrs. Kerry can support the likes of CAIR, which actively supports groups that wish to impose Sharia law, and at the same time donate money to anti-death penalty causes? What do NARAL and Bario Warriors have in common? The only thing these groups share in common is that they are generally supported by so-called "progressive" elements. But why should progressives support groups with links to terrorists? Why would progressives support groups that are fundamentally illiberal? The only common theme among all these groups, it seems, is that they are fundamentally anti-establishment. They want to see a different direction in the world, but which direction is very unclear. Perhaps it is a Marxian understanding of right and wrong which I cannot begin to fathom. Marxists tend to view the world in terms of "powerful" and "weak" rather than moral and immoral. So, to a Marxist, the Bario Warriors must be supported because they are "weak." Muslim groups in America are also "weak" and therefore must be supported. On the other hand, America's foreign policy stance is bad because we are "powerful." I understand the reflexive instinct to support the weak, heck, I always root for the underdog, but politics is not a football game. There is much more at stake here than a trophy or a penant. Rooting for the weak may be good enough in a Sly Stallone movie, but when it comes to real life I will support the side which is morally superior. And the Empire IS morally superior.

KGB Intercepts Hussein Letter

Apparently the good folks over at Lubyanka still have quite the network in Iraq. Commissar has posted a letter his vast spy network intercepted from Saddam Hussein himself. Rusty's only question is this: Is her name pronounced Rag-head? (Note to Raghad: Consider changing name)

Update: I actually have to WORK today, so don't expect much bloggage. Sith training continues!

Jawa Sandcrawler Tracks Installed!!

About a week after making mypetjawa a reality (that was, what, 4 weeks ago) Commissar ordered me to install "evil trackbacks." Of course, Blogger doesn't support trackbacks. After Allah commanded me to get trackbacks I started to panic. I wasn't too worried about the KGB, rumor has it that the new NKVD are a bunch of wusses (they are in a "spider hole of denial" about this, though), but when the Lord of Moons sends his loyal mujahadin after you....well, those guys don't quit (especially that Mad Max dude). So, hoping to avoid the sharp end of a risin laced umbrella and/or a human bomb I have been desperately looking to get trackbacks somewhere. Anywhere. This afternoon, my good friend over at MB2 informed me that haloscan had come up with a trackback system compatible with blogger. Installation took about 30 seconds. For those of us too cheap to pay for a web-host, this is a real breakthrough. The haloscan system seems to be a tad bit more complicated than the one run by MT, but on their FAQ they promise to make the process easier in the next week or two. So, here it is, the first trackback enabled post. (Note to trackbacked blogs: sorry for the excess, but I need to test the feature out. Besides, I hear excess leads to the palace of wisdom!)

Agents Search Camel Loving Man's Charity

Ok, just read on before you go accusing me of being a racist. This guy owned an actual camel--in Oregon! Literally. We'll get back to the camel. Our sources within the Imperial Spy Network reveal that some charities run by the Ancient and Noble Kingdom of the Jawas may have ties to Tusken Raider terrorists

FBI and Internal Revenue Service agents searched the Al-Haramain Islamic Foundation Inc. office this week, seizing financial records, other documents and computers, officials said Thursday.

No criminal charges have been filed against the organization or its founder, Pirouz Sedaghaty, also known as Perouz Seda Ghaty or Pete Seda. His lawyer, Larry Matasar, said federal officials told him the investigation is tax-related, and not of a criminal nature.

...the 47-page search warrant, served Wednesday, and supporting IRS affidavit allege that Seda, listed as secretary of the foundation, and Soliman H.S. Al-Buthe, the treasurer, attempted to conceal the transfer of $130,000 in American Express traveler's checks and a $21,000 cashier's check intended for aid to Muslims in Chechnya in mid-March of 2000.

Is it just me, or is there something about dudes with aliases that are just a tad bit suspicious? And what does Mr. Sedaghaty/Ghaty/Seda say about the allegations?

I am a man of peace, and have consistently and actively opposed terrorism. I am certain that once all the facts come out, it will be clear that neither Al Haramain Oregon nor I have engaged in any criminal activities."

Right. Rusty believes you. A man "who moved to Dubai about a year ago to study Islam" would never sympathize with the Tusken Raider cause. I mean, does this sound like the actions of a criminal to you?

A regular fixture in town, Seda appeared in the Fourth of July Parade with his pet camel, taught schoolchildren about Islam and used the arborist business he built to relocate trees caught in the path of development, free of charge.

Terrorists are well known for their hatred of camels and their aversion to teaching kids about Islam. And the tree thing? Well that just proves Sahar Aziz right. Imperial Minister of Mind Control, Sith Ashcroft, is constantly sending spies to harrass innocent Jawas! Now, it is possible that Mr. Sedaghaty/Ghaty/Seda is innocent. It is entirely possible that the Saudi run charity he is involved with is a front, and that he didn't realize it. For instance

I have seen Pete in public since the 1980s take courageous stands against violence, for the security of Israel and against Islamic extremism," said Rabbi David Zaslow, from his office at Havurah Synagogue.

Seda said: "I am a man of peace, and have consistently and actively opposed terrorism. I am certain that once all the facts come out, it will be clear that neither Al Haramain Oregon nor I have engaged in any criminal activities."

But if Mr. Sedaghaty/Ghaty/Seda didn't know, doesn't this send a strong message to Imperial loving Muslims in the US? His charity was a local chapter of the Saudi run "Al-Haramain" that has been shut down in 10 countries for suspected ties to al Qaeda and other terror groups. Note to Muslims: ANY charity with ties to the House of Saud is suspect. ANY Islamic charity that sends money to areas where there is an active mujahidin movement is suspect. You are naive to think otherwise. Note to Sith Ashcroft: Continue using Jedi mind tricks to infiltrate the ranks of Jawa charities.

Update: For a CPB (Commie-Pinko-Bastard), the Commissar is good people. He says the following about this post (permalink):

Comrade Rusty at mypetjawa has found a rather unusual story about the FBI, travelers' checks, and "religion of peace."

Is probably lying Zionist propaganda.

And of course he's right. Everything I say is Zionist propoganda! Visit the Commissar at KGB headquarters for one of the best themed blogs on Tattooine. If you don't, he will send NKVD after you!

Note to readers: Bravo Romeo Delta reminded me this morning that not everyone has my take on the Empire here. Funny, but Rusty knows who the good guys are and who the bad guys are.

Emporer Wins Election: Rebel Alliance Scratches Head

If the Imperial election were held today, who would win? If you have been following most of the propoganda generated by the Rebel Alliance you could not have helped but noticed headlines such as this from Drudge: CNNUSATODAYGALLUP: KERRY IN DOUBLE DIGIT LEAD OVER BUSH! So, after reading the article, what is the logical conclusion to the initial question? If the Imperial election were held today, who would win? Before answering that question, take a look at the latest Zogby poll which was released only hours after CNNUSATODAYGALLUP. Zogby

found that if the election for president were held today, Democrat John Kerry would edge George W. Bush 46% to 45% in the “blue states” – or states won by Al Gore in the 2000 election. In the “red states,” or states won by George W. Bush in 2000, however, Bush wins handily by a 51% to 39% margin.

Is the answer clear now? In other words, in the only race that counts, in the electoral college, Palpatine would easily win. He would carry the same states he won last time, only with a LARGER margin. What does the NY Times have to say? "In Polls, Kerry, Edwards Both Lead Bush" Note to NY Times: enroll in statistics class.

Hussein's Government "Not Perfect" or Bomb Aljazeera Today

Every now and then I start to wonder why we don't go ahead and bomb the propoganda arm of the Tusken Raiders, Aljazeera. Can it be any more obvious that they are our sworn enemies? How far over the top do they have to go before their brand of journalism become incitement to kill our soldiers? Check out this interview with a female student from Baghdad University on their English website (Allah only knows what they say in Arabic):

It's true that the former government was not perfect but after seeing what the Americans are doing, we believe that the former government was better. At least there was safety and security. We are scared of going anywhere. Imagine, I am scared of walking in the street because an explosion could go off," she says.

Not perfect did she say?? Let me see how that would read if we change the wording a little

It's true that the Nazi government was not perfect but after seeing what the Americans are doing, we believe that the Nazi government was better. At least there was safety and security for everyone who was not a Jew, Gypsy, Pole, Czech, etc. We are scared of going anywhere. Imagine, I am scared of walking in the street because an explosion could go off," she says.

So what is the solution to all of this violence?

Mainly, these students want an eventual withdrawal of US forces and the right to elect their future leader.

Um, is somebody not getting the message that we want to get out of your Allah-forsaken piece of real estate but you idiots keep blowing yourselves up!

"There can be no democracy within this chaos. There needs to be some organisation and then there will be democracy," [she] says. Reconstructing the political make-up of the government should come from among Iraqis, she adds. "Democracy is not something you can bring from outside and plant in Iraq."

So her logic is that we will leave and then there will be stability and then Iraq will become peaceful and democratic on its own? Excuse me, but what were the last 50 years about? By the way, America has IMPOSED democracy on a number of ungrateful governments and that seems to have worked out ok (as I explained to Japanese author Nobuaki Notohara in my Pot Calls Kettle Black post) The last comment is the one that ought to send a cruise missile straight to Aljazeera headquarters

Everyone here has a story to tell of trigger-happy US soldiers shooting innocents.

"For them, killing an Iraqi is like killing a chicken. They really feel nothing towards us," complains [one student].

Tell me, was Goebbels not a target of US Air Raids? Why are journalists not legitimate targets when the propoganda they produce can lead to the death of American Soldiers or civillians? Note to GW: Let's get rolling on this one.

Update: MORE BAD NEWS, or why we should drop the bomb NOW! NOW! NOW
Aljazeera.net signs marketing pact

CEO of NetAdvantage, Khaldoun Tabaza described Aljazeera. net as "the most popular website inside and outside the Arab world", something which prompted his company to sign the agreement.

"We expect that Aljazeera.net will grow to dominate a third of the share of the total online advertising expenditure in the Arab world," said NetAdvantage regional director Duri al-Ajrami

Oh please, say it isn't so.....

Jawas Discovered Everything! Invented Everything too!

From the Imperial Geographic desk comes shocking news from the land down under: Jawas discovered Australia.

Sheik Taj el-dene Elhilaly said Islam had "roots deep in the Australian soil" well before Europeans set foot here.

In interviews with Arabic-language newspapers in the Middle East, the Mufti, now on a tour of Saudi Arabia, Lebanon and Egypt, claims Alice Springs bears a resemblance to the holy Muslim city Mecca and was called that by early Afghan settlers.

While many in the blogosphere have focused on the Grand Mufti of Australia's love for terrorist organizations, we at mypetjawa find his other remarks much more interesting. It all makes sense now. It wasn't dead white Europeans who circumvented the globe on quests of discovery, it was the good followers of the ancient and mystic Religion of Peas. How come Rusty Shackleford hasn't heard about this great discovery before? In comments sure to put a smile on Louis Farrakhan's face, the cleric elaborated on why there is no archeological evidence to support the theory.

"Some of them were destroyed, others were turned into Australian archeological museums, and still others remained unharmed and they bear a history that proves that Islam has roots and ancient connections to Australia. But because they did not have the proper conditions to continue to exist . . . and connection to the Islamic world, the first generation of our Afghan ancestors dissolved."

Of course, to the Jawa mind all things were either invented or discovered by their own. Maybe you have confronted someone like this. Maybe it wasn't a follower of the ancient and mystic Religion of Peas, but you know the type. You name a discovery and they claim someone from their group actually did it first. Like those darn Scandinaviocentrists who make wild claims about Vikings beating Columbus to the punch! Right, and that is why pickled herring is the national food. But if beating the Italians wasn't enough, the followers of Muhammed (*peas be upon his name*) have to get all uppity and go one step further.

Similar theories exist about Muslims discovering the Americas 500 years before Columbus.

So what are these theories. I did a little digging and found the following sites:

PRECOLUMBIAN MUSLIMS IN THE AMERICAS--Claims Muslims from Spain were first hispanics to float a Chevy to Miami.

1421: The Year a Chinese Muslim Discovered America--Claims Chinese Muslims opened the first dry cleaning operation in California 71 years before the first pizza joint in the New World.

ISLAM IN LATIN AMERICA: Timeline of Muslim Exploration of the Americas--Claims Aztlan rightfully belongs to dar al Islam and that La Raza should elect Osoma bin Laden President of the Cal State Los Angeles chapter.

So, good people of the Empire, you are on notice. America is part of the future world-wide Caliphate. So is Canada, Mexico, Jamaica, etc.......

just a test

sorry, testing out some html. Look below for the real stuff.

From the Tusken Raider Desk: HIZBULLAH SUSPECTED OF JOINING SUNNI INSURGENTS

From Mideast Newline comes the "shocker" that the Iranian supported terrorist organization, already responsible for the deaths of 241 Marines, helped in the latest attacks against the fledgling Iraqi security forces.

Iraqi security sources said they have collected unspecified evidence that Ansar Al Islam, the Al Qaida-aligned insurgency group, has acquired the services of Hizbullah to help attack U.S. forces in parts of the Sunni Triangle. The sources said Hizbullah combatants were believed to have provided training and guidance in coordinated attacks on U.S. and Iraqi security positions. Few of the Hizbullah operatives participated in the attacks.

More than 500 Hizbullah combatants arrived in Iraq from Lebanon during 2003, the sources said. Most of them have resettled in Shi'ite cities in central and southern Iraq.

But over the last two months, the sources said, scores of Hizbullah fighters were believed to have crossed into northern Iraq to join Ansar. They said Ansar has benefited from Iranian weaponry, logistics support and safe haven and Teheran might have approved or encouraged the services of Hizbullah for Ansar.

Where does Hizbullah get its money? Iran. As if that threat to our brave Imperial Stormptroopers was not enough, in related news, Iran has announced it will begin work to extend the range of its missiles.

Iranian officials said the upgrade project would replace previous plans to develop the longer-range Shihab-4. But officials said the range of the Shihab-3 would also be extended.

"We will be optimizing our Shihab-3 instead," acting Iranian Defense Minister Hossein Dehghan said recently. "Such allegations [of developing the Shihab-4] are part of the U.S. and Israeli psychological war against the Islamic Republic."

Other officials said the upgrade of the Shihab-3 would extend the range of the missile to at least 1,600 kilometers. They said some of the improvements were demonstrated in a Shihab-3 launch in June 2003, when the missile reached a range of 1,380 kilometers. The Shihab-4 was planned for a range of 2,000 kilometers.

Note to Ayatollah Ali Khameini: We know where you live. Be afraid....be very afraid.

Stormtrooper agents found infiltrating Jawa conference: Is Sahar Aziz crazy or a liar?

When is the Emperor going to learn? Don't send in stormtroopers to do a Jedi's job! Organizer of a recent TCU conference on the ancient and mystic Jawa Religion of Peas, accuse the Emporer of sending military spies.

Intelligence men "were definitely there, dressed in civvies and not revealing their identities," [said]Sahar Aziz, a law student and one of the organizers...

A few days after the conference, held in the Law School Campus on February 4, two intelligence agents came to the building and asked for a list of the attendees and a video of the proceedings. "They went to the dean's office and searched for the organizers in order to get the list, flashing their cards and asking students about the participants," Aziz said..

What is going on in the Emperor's home state? Mypetjawa also saw evidence of dhimmitude at TCU last week here. What, no Jedi mind tricks to fool the poor unsuspecting dhimmis? What really bothers Rusty is not that the government is harassing these people, but when are they going to start getting serious and harassing more of them?!?! Further, Rusty isn't convinced that any of this is true. Followers of the Religion of Peas are not especially known for their commitment to the "truth". What seems odd about the whole story is that they would accuse the "agents" of being military intelligence. Why would military intelligence be concerned about a conference on "Islam and the Law: The Question of Sexism"? Wouldn't this be an internal matter left to the Interior Ministry for Spying?

So Rusty did a little digging on Sahar Aziz. You too can attend her upcoming lecture on the "War on Terrorism and its Effects on Immigrants" at a teach-in sponsored by Austin Against War (AAW), a well known front for the dhimmis of the Rebel Alliance. The AAW sponsors a number of events, such as:

A Stop the Corporate Takeover of Iraq rally

A "Books Not Bombs!'Money for jobs and education, not for war and occupation!'" demonstration

And even a " Remember the Victims of War Vigil"

Are we seeing a pattern here? It seems Ms. Aziz's concerns about monitoring of Muslims is not a new one. Like many on the Left, she believes that the War on Tusken Raiders is really a plot to take away our civil liberties. In 2002 she testified to the Texas HOUSE COMMITTEE ON CRIMINAL JURISPRUDENCE on behalf of the American Civil Liberties Union of Texas, League of United Latin American Citizens, and the Muslim Legal Defense Fund. From the record, found here (emphasis Rusty's):

She urged the committee to reject attempts to involve state and local law enforcement in undercover antiterrorism operations that do no include a reasonable belief that a serious crime has been planned or committed by a specific individual or group. She also expressed concern over the erosion of judicial oversight. She recommended the committee reject any laws that jeopardize judicial oversight and the judiciary branch’s role in monitoring the executive branch, Attorney General, and law enforcement.

Her name also comes up in association with the website "Stop the covert war." The site informs us that the covert war can be defined as (among other things):

1: the never-ending BOGUS investigation used as an excuse to obtain court orders to wiretap phones, bug homes, cars, and use any and all manner of electronic surveillance and harassment devices

2: the use of agents, informants, infiltrators, and provocateurs by any agency, organization, group, or gang to conspire against and violate the constitutional rights of any individuals, organization, or business

3: illegal, unlawful, immoral, disgusting secret actions taken by governments or big business to subdue dissent

5: the use of chemicals, drugs, and electronic weapons to harass, injure, maim, kill, and other wise nullify citizens who disagree with politics as usual 6: the land grab conspiracy by governments and multinational corporations

8: the global conspiracy by corporations, governments and those who co-operate with them to enslave all of humanity

Er, Note to self: stock up on tin-foil.

To her credit, her name can be found in a "STATEMENT IN SUPPORT OF THE PALESTINE SIGNATORIES" which condemns the PA for politically motivated arrests of Arabs. I wonder if she would sign something condemning the PA for intentional attacks against Jewish civillians? But I digress...anyway, I'm now 98% sure this whole thing is made up. Every time the anti-war left gets together these sorts of accusations fly. Ms. Aziz has a history of being paranoid and as Butters and others already know, we can always predict what they will say long before they even open their mouths. She, along with other dupes of the Rebel Alliance, simply quote Edwardo Said and Gnome Chumpsky's lies and slander against the US. This is the same old stuff, par for the course. Why should we believe them now?

Kerry's Anuslift: redux

As an adendum to yesterday's post, here is the latest google search referring unsuspecting kufr to mypetjawa:

Google search="Kerry's facelift"

At which point good readers would be directed to this oldie but goodie where Rusty revealed a candid photograph of Mrs. Heinz and her bee-yatch at a Fluid Milk Processing Board rally in rural Colorado.

He said "Jacker"

I never tire of seeing where loyal minions of the Empire click into mypetjawa from. From time to time I come across an odd referal page. This one is just classic:

Google search="jawa slur"

Apparently, we are doing something right around here! Of course, we are a little disappointed that we are only ranked 4th at Google. We work hard every day to offend--we'll have to kick it into overdrive. What really gives me a special feeling, though, is that the term "jawa" has finally made it! Over at the Racial Slur Database this entry can be found:

(Slur) Jawa (Represents) Arabs (Reasons/Origans) Sand people from Star Wars (used to refer to Arabs on South Park)

We only hope that someday the entry will attribute its popularization to Rusty Shackleford. However, one point of clarification is in order. Jawa is not a racial slur towards Arabs. In the episode of South Park, mentioned above, the term Jawa was applied to Afghanis who are not Arabic speaking people at all. In fact, many Arabs aren't true Jawas at all. Many are Jawa-dhimmis and a a growing number reject Jawa culture altogether and yearn to become part of the order brought by the Empire. But I digress. What other dandies can be found there?

(Slur) Jacker (Represents) Arabs (Reasons/Origans) Many prominent hijackings over the past 25 years were done by various Arab/Islamic fundamentalist groups.

So what is next for Rusty? Mypetjacker of course! (patent pending, patent pending)

Rumble in the Desert: Jawa God vs. Jawa Hunter

Two of the funniest entries EVER in the blogo-photoshop wars had to be published within minutes of each other forcing me to rewrite this column less than five minutes after it appeared under a different heading.

In this corner we have Allah, the moon-god of the blogosphere: Look HERE. Make sure you click on Kerry's face to see how the Grand Jawatollah of the Jawa Republic got so many ho's in his stable.

In the other corner we have Commissar, leader of the Rebel Alliance and secret ally to his Imperial Majesty. You must reveal information or he will extract it from you: look HERE and then click on his "secure KGB form" for his parady of a real CIIA (Central Imperial Intelligence Agency) program.

Who will the battle for the hearts and minds of bloggers world-wide?

Note: If it seems like I link a lot to Allah and the Commissar there is a reason: they rock! If you want me to link you too then make me laugh half as much as they do you freaking pansies.

Irony on display at mypetjawa
I don't know if there is a word for it, but its definitely, hmmm, what is the word I'm looking for.... after modern, so to speak. Look at the ad on the top of the page. Notice anything unusual? If you are seeing the ad blogspot has been running on this page all day you will notice that several Jawa organizations are actually paying my webhost to appear here. What is doubly ironic is that the site Islamic Concern is actually a Muslim vegetarian site! (Possibly affiliated with PETA) Don't they know Rusty's position on veal? The two things Rusty loves best: vegetables and Allah!
Update: Aaron "the liberal slayer" also noticed the ironicalnessness of the google adbots at his page too. (Note to Zionist in LA: Copyright infringement lawsuit on the way sucka)


(Note to Blogger and Google ads: Refine ad-bot program!)

Jawa propoganda watch
From the Imperial spy network comes a number of notable items from in and around Tattooine. In the Imperial stronghold of Mos England comes news that local Jawa leaders are trying to convince the provincials that the ancient and mystical Religion of Peas poses no threat to humankind.

"The idea is to dispel myths about these things and give people the real facts to help build a harmonious and peaceful community."

The good folks of this small outpost might be interested in "the real facts" as given by the Domestic Undersecrariat of the Imperial Ministry of Propoganda. In a related piece of intelligence, we have learned that such propoganda is even being broadcast in the Emperors home province! [Note to Emperor: Dispatch stormtroopers to TCU] Jawa dhimmi and chairman of Wake Forest University's religion department had this to say at a recent gathering of ministers of the Jedi order:

"I would maintain that the large majority of [Jawas] are as horrified and offended by violent extremism as are all of us in this room...A small band of extremists of any faith can inflict great damage"

It seems it is not only the Jawas interested in scoring propoganda points these days. Information extracted from a broken R-2 unit reveals that the Emperor is using an old Jedi mind trick to mediate a decades old civil-war between the Khartoum Band of Tusken Raider and their rock worshipping enemies all in an effort to secure the Ig-Nobel Appease Prize.

"In press statements issued a week ago, [Imperial Ministry of State] officials have said that the chances of [the Emperor] winning the prestigious Prize are 'high in case he succeeds to push for the conclusion of a peace deal between Khartoum and the rebels.'"

Er, uh, um...is it just me or do the people over at State have their heads so far-up their rears that reality seems to go no further than their own rectal cavity? In response, the Imperial Ministry of Advanced Statistical Studies plugged various non-rational numbers into a supercomputer. Undersecraty Fink, who holds advance degrees in Know-it-all-omics had the following to say:

"His Imperial Majesty has precisely a glavins chance in seventy-two trillion to receive the Ig-noble prize. What, with the Rebel Alliance, and the blue helmuts, and the hatred of the Empire, and the oi glavin!."

In further "shocking" news, Rebel Alliance representatives have agreed with 'moderate' Jawa leaders on plans for drafting a new constitution in Mos Raq.

"[the Jawa Cleric]'is sticking to his position and we share his opinion totally because elections are the only way to bring [Mos Raq] out of the tunnel', [Rebel Alliance] team leader Lakhdar Brahimi said after two hours of talks with the [cleric]. "

Why does the Imperial Ministry of State keep inviting these people to participate in our plans to bring order to the universe? Oh, wait, see above.

In unrelated news, our spies in the Jawa Republic delivered this cryptic message at a dead drop to an undercover operative.

"Election boycott effort in [the Republic] brings chance of pink revolution"

Rusty is having a hard time deciphering this message. If it means she is moving to the Republic, this is good news for the Empire. Good riddance! On the other hand, if by "pink revolution" they mean sending the boys from Queer eye for the straight guy to help the ruling theocrats add some pizzaz to their black turbans, then Rusty has some reservations. The last thing we need is the militant wing of Act-up getting its hands on WMD!

Jawas Endorse Kerry II
The dirty-birdies Cox & Forkum have a nice image for your daily reflection. You'd think for a couple of Sith masters they could have come up with cleaner nicknames!

Emperor revealed

It seems Rusty isn't the only one that thinks George Lucas was a modern prophet. The Commissar over at KGB Headquarters has jumped on the bandwagon here and suggested a number of rewrites for the original Star Wars movie. You and your blue-helmuted allies just don't get it, do you commie-pinko ? The Star Wars trilogy is Truth in its highest form with no need of rewriting from mere mortals. It was handed down from God directly to Lucas as he was on a roller coaster at Disneyland. Which brings up one of the most important questions ever asked: If Lucas had not gone to Space Mountain, would Space Mountain have come to Lucas? Of course, we agree with Michelle that as Holy Writ, the original version of Star Wars must never be tampered with. Much like the Koran, which is only sacred in its original language of Jawaneese, Star Wars only holds value when scribes do not tamper with its sacredness. So, don't even suggest messing with the Holy Star Wars or Rusty will issue a fatwah on your commie butt!

Having said that, the Commissar does make some interesting if not unholy suggestions. But he just doesn't get it. Star Wars is really an allegory of the War on Terror writ large. It doesn't need a rewrite. Everything in it is symbolic, perhaps on a level even Lucas himself doesn't get. After all, he was just the messenger, it was the message that should be studied. We can see how Lucas tried bend the message by making the script so sympathetic to the Rebel Alliance when it is clear that the grace of Allah is on the good Empire trying to bring order to the universe. To see some of these parallels, look at Rusty's archive here (character update coming soon). As proof Rusty is not just imagining this whole thing, and that the good Lord was correct when he said, "In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established (2 Cor. 13: 1) Rusty points to Tim McSweeney's definitive archive that proves Bush=Emporer Palpatine. (all links via Commissar, again [note to self: must kill Commissar])

(note to geeks: Is MT (moveable type) compatible with blogger? Any way to get trackbacks and stick with blogger? Mail me if you have the answer or I wll dispatch Jedi Knights to 'negotiate' the information from you.)

KGB "head" quarters reveals Kerry's "southern" strategy
One of Commissar's funnier posts. " Kerry Good Quotes" (Note to self: Remember to pee before visiting Lubyanka in cyberspace)

"No, I didn't have a face-lift, it was an Anus-lift,"claims Kerry
Mypetjawa finds Proof of John Kerry's "facelift" here where we found a candid photo of the Kerry's at a Fluid Milk Processors event in rural Colorado.

This in response the the incredible explosion in the blogosphere about Steyn's column which somehow manages to tie in a misprint about a "raised anus" with John Kerry's campaign.

Tusken Raiders on Trial: The Good, the Bad, and the Funny

Rusty was up early this morning practicing his Jedi skills, and as I lowered the blast shield on my practice helmut I felt several disturbances in the force. One bad, two good, and one that was....hmmm....let's just say it was interesting, interesting, very interesting, and then suddenly I lost interest. So, which to relate first? Let's go with bad and work our way up from there.

1) "Jawa extremists invade U.S., join sleeper cells" is the headline over at the Rev. Moon's daily, The Washington Times. First, if your going to read a paper run by a cult you can't do any better than the Times. I mean, sure, indirectly your contributing to mass marriages that often have the tragic side-effect of ruining the turf at your favorite sports stadium, but what are you gonna do? Second, is this really news? I mean isn't "news" technically some sort of information that is, well, you know, 'new'? Must be a slow "news" day. We'll call this bad news since it may come as a shock to you that this "network of training camps 'represents a serious threat to the United States, one that cannot be ignored.'"

2) "3 Members of Oregon Tusken Cell Sentenced" from the L.A. Times
and "Va. Jihad Case Opens Against Jawa Men" from the Washington Post (both via Jihad Watch). Ok, both papers suck the light saber, but call a spade a spade, this is good news. One of the jihadis, Mike Hawash, even had the cajones to say, "I am still proud to be a U.S. citizen, and I regret my actions," further stating that "I wish to ask forgiveness from my family, my friends in this community and the people of the United States." Apology accepted. Oh and Mr. Hawash...a bit of advice before going to Federal "Pound Me in the Ass" Prison: watch out for the cornhole. But seriously, I'm afraid that cornohle health will be the least of Hawash's troubles. Rusty expects a fatwah on his butt any day now for betraying the cause. He could take a lesson from the other jawa loyalists who's trial began today who portray themselves, "as devoted Muslims who engaged in military training out of a religious duty to stay in shape and defend themselves against what they perceived as anti-Muslim bias." See, when you try to take up arms against the US its not your fault, its America's fault for being so biggoted. Defense lawyers, "called the defendants loyal Americans and criticized the government for making the case about Islam." Both headlines are good news. Somebody up there in the Justice Department is taking the Jawa threat to the Empire seriously.

3) The funny. This headline at the SF Gate (via Drudge) "Pornographer to sell Whitehouse.com Web address." Some of you may not beleive it, but Rusty has actually been to that website on accident on several occasions. Once, in days long before pop-up blockers were invented by some brave Jedi, I typed into Whitehouse.com in the office as several co-workers strolled on by and for every click to close the page, two more "special" sites kept popping up. So, on the one hand office spaces will be that much safer and I also hear that the Emperorr himself is celebrating this one as it his personal website that is usually confused with the site of ill repute. On the other hand, Rusty's friends, like Butters, aren't going to be able to use the ol' "I just typyed in the wrong address" excuse when certain photos are found in their caches. All good things must come to an end. RIP.

Supreme Jawa Council of Tattooine Endorses former Storm Trooper: Iran-Contra Redux
Allah *the merciful, the compassionate* points to this article which makes the following suggestion:

The last thing the conservative clerics [in Iran] want is an enraged George Bush sitting safely in the Oval office for four more years...Teheran’s aim is to see Bush defeated. The thinking in Teheran is that a Democratic president would not have the stomach to go to war in order to save Iraq’s middle class.

So it seems that the good Mullahs want JFK for President, eh? I think I smell scandal brewing. The kind of scandal that would completely redefine Iran-Contra:

1) Majles-e-Shura-ye-Eslami passes Ayatollah Boland Amendment, prohibiting the funding of the Bush resistance forces.
2) Iran sells arms to hostage-takers in Lebanon.
3) Money is illegally diverted to "moderates" in the U.S.
4) Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khameini denies knowledge of contributions to the Kerry campaign.
5) Courageous Colonel in the Revolutionary Guards Corps takes the fall.

Islamojawa-Contrakerrygate?

Die Tusken Raiders: A rewrite of "The 19 Lions."

Little Green Footballs has a segment of the most disgusting article ever written here. It is the most vile piece of @#$!#$ I have ever read. I am literally sick to my stomach that these Jawa fanatics would set out to praise the 19 men who died while murdering 3,000 innocents. Below, you will find the entire story. However, I took the liberty to give it the old mypetjawa edit. Let me know which version you like better: Rusty vs. Islamojawafascist. Enjoy.

[Scene: Northern Alliance Front Lines]
On a historic sunny November morning in 2001, a few men, armed with little more than their faith, rudimentary GPS locaters, and a satellite phone brought the greatest force for evil on earth to her knees.......

[Cut to Air Force B-52 Bomber]
“Fasten your seat belt,” you kid to your co-pilot. You buckle up just a little tighter. Your co-pilot goes over the mission one more time, you ignore him as usual. The plane is ushered onto the runway; there is a slight pause and then the sounds of the engine rise to a crescendo in tandem with the adrenaline surging through your blood. The plane ascends, a brief pause, now you are flying. Your pulse is racing, you can feel your heart thudding against your chest; admonishing yourself you increase your remembrance of the horror of the Twin Towers. You look at your watch. In your mind, the countdown which began the day you were given your mission details moves closer to zero hour. You pick up the mission brief one last time, appearing to flick through the pages you once more go over the details of the bombing operation: soon there will be no room for error.

[cut back to the front lines]
The minutes move too slowly, you are eager to send them to Hell: finally the time arrives. Without a glance you rise from your seat behind Northern Alliance lines and dart to the top of the hill. Securing control of your satellite phone, you set your sights on your target. As the plane approaches, you look about you at the faces of your Northern Alliance brothers in arms and all you see is the blazing light shining off their faces. Attempting to conceal your delight you direct the plane towards the Talliban outpost, with a prayer you shout ‘Allahu Akbar (Allah is the Greatest)’ to your new allies, knowing the end of the Talliban is at hand, as you graciously guide the plane's GPS guided bombs into the Talliban outpost, obliterating an Idol of the Middle Ages.

This is obviously merely a guess, we will have to wait for the exact details as the first hand account is classified information reserved for the inhabitants of Langley Virginia (and for those in Hell, who know the wrath of the American Air Force!), and I ask God that it is so. If God overlooks my countless sins and showers mercy upon me in far excess of what I deserve and grants me heaven; I will ask the CIA Operatives, perhaps Johnny Micheal Spannin (first CIA KIA Afghanistan) particular, to tell his story time and time again, and when signs of boredom appear on his face, I will move onto another of those involved in bringing the most barbaric regime on earth down. Perhaps moving onto William Carlson (RIP-CIA KIA Afghanistan), or Christopher Glenn Mueller (RIP-CIA KIA Afghanistan)(whose died tracking down Al Qaida SOBs in Afghanistan) for I will never tire of hearing about this tale of unparalleled valour.

Blog history month: mypetjawa's guide to Tattooine

The Commisar over at KGB headquarters has declared this blog history month. Who am I to go against the party line? In keeping with the spirit of the season (and because traffic keeps going up up up), Rusty points the reader to his classic piece on understanding the lexicon here at mypetjawa-----> JAWAS EXPLAINED: A GUIDE TO MYPETJAWA

Please feel free to comment. We will update the guide as needed. A few loyal readers have already pointed out a few inconsistencies in my theory here. Who is Luke Skywaler wonders Bravo Romeo Delta? Butters wonders if Bobba Fett is a member of Special Ops? All important questions begging to be answered! But on the bright side, Gen. Jack D. Ripper (Ret.) has definitively identified Chewbacca!

Update: Bravo Romeo Delta from Anticipatory Retaliation thinks he's on to something:

I am pretty certain that Grand Moff Tarkin would be Dick Cheney, which would, I suppose make Darth Vader Tony Blair and Darth Maul Don Rumsfeld. Or maybe Blair is Grand Moff Tarkin, the the Darths Vader and Maul are Cheney and Rumsfeld, respectively.

Of course, we all know who the Emperor is.

Tusken Raiders blow up more innocent civillians, no one surprised

Ok, they are at it again. The big news this morning is the Moscow subway bombing. Of course, the leader of the Chechen resistance denies involement. Looks like Yasser Arafat's playbook is finding some devotees. Now, Rusty ought to let his good readers know that in another parallel dimension he once lived in Moscow. He still has friends over there. He used to ride that metro four of five times a day. This pisses him off. I'm not saying Putin is my ideal, but Bush and Sharon ought to pay close attention to his response:
"Russia does not negotiate with terrorists, it annihilates them"

Now that is the kind of response I want to hear from an ally in the war on terror. But wait, there is more. This is not the only time in the last week Russia has been hit by terrorism. Pravda reports that on Feb. 3 a bomb killed an elderly woman and a cadet at a local military academy as they walked down the main street in Vladikavkaz. Also, a suicide bomber was caught before he could detonate himself in Dagestan, a province next to Chechnya with a [surprise!!] high concentration of Muslims. Why do I have to go to Pravda to read about these acts of terror? Why does the Martha Stewart case preempt this?

Since my day is going so poorly already, I came across this story which did cheer me up a bit and I'd thought I'd share it. Can anybody out there explain to me this bit: "he saw a sexual dog whose behavior was provoking."??? (Note to readers: It wasn't even his dog.)

"Hot dog" update: Props to Allah (*the merciful, the compassionate*) for the link. This story sheds new light on Michael Jordan's oblique references to "hot dogs" in all those Ball Park commercials.

'Moderate' Jawa cleric backs Imperial plan, Tusken Raiders attempt assassination

Back-door loving 'moderate' Shiite cleric Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani gave the thumbs up to a UN plan to study the feasibility of early elections in Iraq yesterday. But Gulf News reports that "in a move that could undermine Al Sistani's apparent flexibility, radical Shiite leader Moqtada Al Sadr branded the United Nations a "dishonest" body that served America's agenda and had no role to play in future Iraqi elections. " Within the last hour reports are all over the news that Sistani has escaped an assassination attempt. Do you think they want him dead because he is a collaborater or because of his stance on sex in a certain uncomfortable position?

Update: Was there an assassination attempt or not?Now Sistani denies earlier reports.
(Note to self: look up word 'truth'in Arabic dictionary)

0/2: Where is Imperial Justice when it is needed? (or, did we lose a war?)

First at bat: Abdul Qadeer Khan. Crime? Selling imperial secrets to rogue jawa tribes. Outcome: Pardoned.
Next at the plate: Abdel-Ghani Mzoudi. Crime? 3,000 counts of accessory to murder. Outcome: Not guilty.

Pardon me, but aren't we still OCCUPYING Germany? Didn't we WIN that war? What the hell is going on here? And can someone remind me why we need the Pakis for the war on terror? Might an alternative strategy be to openly support the Indians and end the 50 year old border war once and for all? How exactly is a nuclear war on the sub-continent a bad thing for us? Are you going to tell me that a BILLION Indians can't win that war? Today is going to be a bad day. Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now, ........

Rebel Alliance gives mypetjawa honorable mention:

The Commisar over at The Politburo Diktat gives Rusty the nod here. I recommend going there at least twice daily for communism's best blog. His parody of "Iraq's Most Wanted" deck of cards is absolutely classic. Could Rusty be on the deck some day? He can only hope and pray to Allah, the moon-god of the Jawas and Tusken Raiders.

Tusken women among us

From The Herald Sun:
THE Australian wife of jailed terror suspect Willie Brigitte emerged from a long-awaited prison meeting with her husband to declare her support for jihad. "One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter," said Melanie Brown, quoting a slogan adopted by many supporters of extreme militant groups -- including al-Qaida. "I may get into trouble saying that . . . but I have heard it a lot, and I agree with it. "For Muslims, the jihad is compulsory. It is the struggle . . . the struggle for God."

(Note to Orwell's ghost: commence rolling over in grave.)

Jedi Knight meets with Jawa tribal elders

"Ashcroft assures Indonesia that fight is against terrorists, not religion" reads the headline over at AZcentral. Oh no, say it isn't so Ashie!!!! Ok, maybe you just have to say crap like that when your on a diplomatic mission to Indonesia, but this is going to far: "We have convened here in Bali to deepen our cooperation against those who oppose our shared values and those who would murder innocents"

What exactly does Ashcroft mean by our shared values? Which values are you talking about?

"Through the cooperative efforts of countries represented at this ministerial meeting we will win the battle for freedom, we will win the battle for tolerance, we will win the battle to defeat terror." Arrggghhhh!!! You have got to be kidding? Even Chomsky on a high lithium dose day wouldn't dare call the Indonesians tolerant (note to self: revisit East Timor files). Note to Ashie: Indonesia is an ally of convenience, not an ally by virtue of our common values.

Kassie Church Revealed:

After Kassie called yours truly a racist here (you'll need to scroll down her page to "Know your enemy") on her blog, the conversation here at mypetjawa quickly turned from Kassie's politics to much more important issues--Is she hot (look in the comments here)? Just to set the facts straight, I am a happily married man (Nancy) and father of one son (Joseph). But being sort of guy that I am, I'm always on the lookout for my bachelor friends. Sure she's been brainwashed by her left-wing professors, but hey, nobody is perfect and people can change. For instance, Ronald Reagan was once a staunch Democrat, Pat Buchanan was a Republican, and Arianna Huffington was--well, just about everything.

So after desperate pleas from my readers, Kassie has posted what appears to be a pic. Thanks Kassie.
(Note to readers: Again, scroll down the page a bit. The furry little rodent is not Kassie, but appears to be a groundhog.)

UPDATE: Kassie wants devoted readers to take a look at pictures she's archived (at the bottom of the page here and here ) and not to give her the thumbs up or down until they've veiwed more flattering photos.

Jawa propoganda: What we hear vs. what they actually say:

Here are the headlines:
"Top Saudi cleric: terrorism is un-Islamic" JPOST
"Top Cleric Denounces Terrorism as Hajj Peaks" LA Times
"Cleric denounces terrorism" Miami Herald

The list goes on and on. The one that really hurts is "Saudi Leader Urges Pilgrims to Reject Violence" from your tax funded VOA. Of course, VOA is explicitly supposed to be propoganda--But OUR PROPOGANDA NOT JAWA PROPOGANDA!!! (Note to self: stop paying taxes) Now it would be nice if the good cleric had actually condemned terrorism and/or violence, but what does he actually say? I couldn't find a transcript of the entire sermon, but here are some highlights I pieced together from different sources.

"Islam has forbidden violence in all its forms; it has forbidden hijacking aeroplanes, ships and other means of transport and has forbidden all acts that would undermine security," said Sheikh Abdul Aziz al-Sheikh at Namirah mosque... " (from Hi Pakistan) Ok so far. Amen brother, pass the plate. But wait, let's get to the good stuff: "Allah says the penalty of those that fight Allah and his prophet and spread violence and terror is to be killed, crucified or have their hands and legs chopped off."

Er, where is the whole Islam=Peace I'm supposed to beleive in? Is that what Allah *the merciful, the compassionate* really wants? I'm on board for the whole crucify terrorist thing, but who, exactly, are they "that fight Allah"? Quoting what are said to be some of the last words of Muhammed (*Peace be upon his name*) he clarifies the point: "Know that every Muslim is a Muslim's brother, and the Muslims are bretheren. Fighting between them should be avoided." (from ABC News)

Is jihad justified? The good Muslim should ask this:
"Is it holy war to shed Muslim blood? Is it holy war to shed the blood of non-Muslims given sanctuary in Muslim lands? Is it holy war to destroy the possession of Muslims" (from ABC News) Translation: On the one hand we condemn the killing of Muslims (which is our definition of terrorism). On the other hand: "Prayers were offered for the glory of Islam and the emancipation of the occupied Muslim lands" (from Hi Pakistan) Translation: Kill the Jews in Palestine and Americans forces in Iraq.

What really pisses me off is that the whole point of these sermons was not to condemn terrorism at all. Remember, this is jawa propoganda for jawa consumption. The multi-cultural media just jumped on the story to reinforce the false belief that Islam "is the religion of peace." So all of these stories are nothing but pure propoganda of the worst kind. What, then, was the real purpose of the sermon? Remember, this was a sermon preached by a man who gets his paycheck from the House of Saud. The sermon was meant for domestic consumption. Here is how the official organ of the kingdom of jawas headlines its version of the story:

"Crush Terror Mercilessly: Grand Mufti" (from Arab News)

Look closer at the story, you'll see what is up: "Islam has also called for the killing of anyone who attempts to undermine legitimate rulers or divide Muslims.” and: "“Islam has made the fulfillment of treaties and pledges compulsory and has given importance to protecting the blood of allies" and "Sheikh Abdul Aziz, the Kingdom’s highest religious authority, said a true Muslim who intended to serve Islam would never try to undermine the Ummah." [Ummah, as defined by Islam Today : "The word ummah can be translated as “a nation” or “a community”. The Ummah in this context would be all Muslims or countries ruled by Muslims (including non-Muslims under dhimmitude)]

He goes on: “Jihad does not mean shedding the blood of Muslims or killing peaceful people or destroying their properties,” he said and urged Muslims to act prudently and wisely and not be driven by emotions or passions." and lastly, "Calling people to God’s message, promoting good relations between Muslims and carrying out one’s duties are part of jihad. He condemned the attitude of some extremists who brand others infidels or enemies of God."

So are we getting the point here? Don't kill other Muslims. Don't pillage other muslims. Don't make war on legitimate authority. Don't call other Muslims infidels. This sermon is nothing more than Saudi Arabia telling the jihadists not to attack them! The Saudi's are a legitimate authority. Stop preaching against them. Stop calling them infidels. Stop calling for jihad against them. A sermon is delivered to almost 2 million people at the Hajj, warning them not to attack Saudi Arabia and the Western media reports it as a condemnation of terrorism??? (Note to self: Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now...) Tell me again how these people are tolerant and are supposed to be an ally in the war on terror?

Jawa propoganda watch:

Look how the AP words this story:

"The leaders of violent Islamic groups are targets for assassination, Israel's defense minister said Sunday, raising the possibility of a further escalation in the three years of Israeli-Palestinian bloodshed."

So, Israel is "raising the possiblility of a further escalation" is it?

But wait, fair reader, read on:

"Shaul Mofaz issued the threat in response to a declaration by the spiritual leader of Hamas, Sheik Ahmed Yassin, that the group plans an all-out effort to kidnap Israeli soldiers."

Wait, let me get this straight.
1) Hamas' leader wants to kidnap Israeli soldiers (Note to Israel: Great idea that whole prisoner exchange thing!)
2) Israel responds by saying leaders of Hamas need to be killed
3) Israel is to blame for any escalation

But wait, it gets better:
"Last week, Israel killed eight Palestinians in Gaza City, while a Palestinian suicide bomber killed 11 people in Jerusalem. "

Outrageous. What the AP doesn't say is that the 8 "Palestinians" all had guns and were shooting at IDF troops. What were the 11 Israelis doing? Riding a bus.

It is this sort of equivocation that makes me fear we cannot win this war against terrorism.